A simple sensate focus practice for getting out of your head, into your body, and feeling wildly alive.
(Keep reading to the end to learn about our November Vibe giveaway!)
Sensate focus is a touch practice from sex therapy that takes the goal out of intimacy. Instead of chasing arousal or orgasm, you simply notice sensation. Our five-minute Wildly Alive Practice below is an easy way to try it on your own.
Have you noticed how elusive pleasure can be? Sometimes, the more pressure or emphasis there is on pursuing something, the harder it can be to reach.
We live in a culture that encourages us to optimize everything, including our intimate lives. We measure desire, worry about frequency, compare ourselves to others, and wonder whether our bodies are responding the way they're supposed to.
But what if we took the pressure off?
What is sensate focus?
There's a practice in sex therapy called Sensate Focus, originally developed by Masters and Johnson, that invites us to approach touch with curiosity rather than expectation. Sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson created it in the 1960s, and therapists still use it today to ease performance anxiety and help with arousal, desire and orgasm.
Instead of touching with the goal of creating arousal, reaching orgasm, or pleasing a partner, we simply pay attention to sensation. Any pressure around sex is off the table.
This is a slow and deliberate practice that invites you to be embodied and notice sensations. Imagine the warmth of a hand resting on your arm. Take in the softness of skin, and the subtle differences between a light touch and a firmer one.
There's nothing to accomplish, nothing to prove, and no particular response required. With the pressure to perform or respond in a set way gone, something important starts to shift. In the space this creates, we can stop asking, "Is this working?" and start asking, "What am I noticing?"
Why sensate focus helps in midlife and menopause
For many of us, particularly as we navigate midlife, menopause, illness, or changes in our relationships, this can be a meaningful invitation to reconnect with our bodies on our own terms. This is not about chasing some younger version of ourselves, but a chance to become curious about who we are, and what feels good, right now.
How to practice sensate focus on your own: The Wildly Alive Practice
Five minutes of sensory curiosity
- Find a comfortable, private space where you won't be interrupted.
- Take a few easy breaths and notice where your body makes contact with the chair, bed, or floor.
- Slowly explore the sensation of touching your own hand or forearm. Notice temperature, texture, and pressure.
- Experiment with different types of touch. What feels pleasant? What feels neutral? Is there anything you'd rather avoid?
- Finish by asking yourself: "What did I notice that I hadn't noticed before?"
The Wildly Alive Pleasure Practice Challenge: November Vibe Giveaway
What's one little thing that makes you feel wildly alive?
This month, we invite you to join us in celebrating what makes you feel good! All you need to do to participate in the Wildly Alive Pleasure Practice Challenge is to record a 10-20 second video of you doing something that captures a moment of everyday joy, something you do just for yourself, a ritual that helps you reconnect with your body, or a moment when you let go of everyone else's needs and expectations and focus on your own enjoyment or relaxation.
How to enter:
- Record a 10 to 20 second reel of your wildly alive moment.
- Post it on Instagram with the caption "Wildly Alive" and tag @UpstateMary.
- Post your reel by November 30th!
All contestants will go into a lottery. We'll pick one video and the winner will receive a Vibe! This is a sleek and beautiful stainless steel personal vibrator to help you feel extra jolly as we enter the holiday season! ; )
Show us what helps you feel Wildly Alive! When we celebrate and share these parts of our lives, we inspire others to prioritize their pleasure and wellbeing too.
No purchase necessary. Open to US residents 18 and older. Winner announced in December. This giveaway is not sponsored, endorsed or administered by Instagram.
Frequently asked questions
What is sensate focus?
Sensate focus is a touch practice from sex therapy, developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1960s. It shifts attention from performance and orgasm to simply noticing sensation.
Can you do sensate focus alone?
Yes. It's often taught to couples, but you can practice it solo by exploring touch on your own hands, arms or body with curiosity and no goal.
Does sensate focus help with performance anxiety?
Therapists often use it for exactly that. Taking the goal out of touch can ease the pressure that makes arousal and pleasure harder to reach.
Is sensate focus helpful during menopause?
It can be. When your body is changing, slowing down and noticing what feels good now is a gentle way to reconnect without expectations.
How long should a sensate focus session last?
Start small. Our Wildly Alive Practice takes about five minutes, and you can extend it as it feels comfortable.
About the Author
Melissa is the co-founder of Upstate Mary, a Hudson Valley-based sexual wellness brand rooted in clean ingredients, sustainability, and plant-based intimacy support. A breast cancer survivor, speaker, and advocate for body acceptance and pleasure at every stage of life, Melissa writes and speaks openly about perimenopause, pelvic health, intimacy, and reclaiming confidence in changing bodies. Upstate Mary and her work has been featured in national publications (i.e. Oprah Daily and Business Insider) and numerous wellness platforms. She is committed to breaking taboos around sexual health, aging, and healing through honest, science-backed education and storytelling.
Melissa Eppard | Co-Founder of Upstate Mary | Hudson Valley, NY
ABOUT UPSTATE MARY
At Upstate Mary, we celebrate the power of plants and the beauty of self-care. Our Farm to Bedroom™ collection is designed to support pleasure and connection at every stage of life, whether you’re navigating menopause, postpartum, or simply exploring your sensuality. Formulated with organic botanicals and full-spectrum CBD, our intimacy oils and suppositories nurture your body without disrupting its natural balance.
Rediscover your pleasure with Upstate Mary.