From Our Founder: A Celebration of Resilience on International Women’s Day
*On this International Women’s Day, I want to take a moment to honor the strength, resilience, and beauty of every woman navigating life’s unexpected changes. This piece is written for the cancer survivor, but insert whatever life change has interrupted your connection to your body and pleasure—menopause, depression, postpartum shifts, or simply the weight of daily stress. If you’ve ever felt disconnected from yourself, there’s something here for you too.
Pleasure is not a luxury—it’s a birthright. And no matter what you’ve been through, you deserve to feel at home in your body again.
In 2023, I helped host a retreat for breast cancer survivors who opted to go flat after mastectomy, whether initially or via explant. In my talk, “Tune in & Turn on” we explored our relationships with our bodies, and the idea that the degree to which you befriend yourself and show yourself loving kindness, correlates to the amount of pleasure and turn on you can experience. I’m headed to the Young Survival Coalition Summit in Atlanta at the end of the month to host a few sessions exploring this topic further.
Why is this so important? When faced with a life threatening diagnosis, all attention is turned to survival. You are forced to make so many weighty decisions and become an overnight expert and advocate in surgical and treatment options. What gets lost here in all the fear spiraling is the importance of slowing down and doing things that sooth the nervous system and help you stay connected with yourself. It can feel daunting to make your way back to a body that is both safe and sensual.
This idea of sexual pleasure may seem jarring depending on where you are at in your diagnostic journey. I remember feeling disoriented, scared and betrayed by my body when first diagnosed. I remember asking my oncologist how my upcoming treatments were going to impact my sex life. I was 36 at the time and needed to know. My onc was taken aback. He shyly brushed me off saying, “OH… you won’t have the energy for THAT!”
There was this task oriented floating head feeling, where my planning and hyper vigilance were carrying me forward to the next scan and infusion until fatigue would remind me that I had a body. During all phases of the cancer experience, from early diagnosis, to treatment & post surgery, to those disorienting early survivor years and into long term survivorship (10 years-hallelujah!), there is an opportunity and a responsibility to deepen your relationship with your body and prioritize pleasure. Here’s why…
Pleasure and the nervous system
When you experience pleasure, your body is flooded with feel good neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. Think dopamine release as associated to temporary, quick bursts of pleasure, and serotonin for long-lasting feelings of happiness and well-being. Pleasurable activities can reduce stress by countering anxiety responses in the brain. Studies with functional MRI have shown that even thinking about pleasure and people you love causes the pleasure centers of the brain to light up.
What gets in the way
For the person facing a cancer diagnosis, energy reserves are largely allocated for survival. We have all heard about the sympathetic nervous system’s important role in our survival, lending to fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses. Likely you are not naming it such while experiencing stress, but you feel it in the way your stomach turns sour, your jaw clenches or your shoulders hunch up. It is the parasympathetic nervous system that plays a huge role in restoration & recovery after bouts of extreme stress. You activate the parasympathetic nervous system when you practice mindful breathing techniques, yoga, meditation or spend time in nature.
But I personally know how hard it is to make this U turn back to the self. It is when I am at my most stressed, when I need to calm my nervous system, that my tools go out the window. And let’s face it, when you’re battling with your insurance company or scared about surgery, the idea of a yoga class or time in nature feels out of reach. Just the notion of pursing something pleasurable may seem lofty and impractical. You may not have the energy or financial reserves to proactively pursue the things we commonly value as pleasurable.
When we are talking about sexual pleasure, there may be additional roadblocks. Societal, religious or cultural messaging about bodies, touch, and gender or sexual identity can create a layer of shame that prevents a person from knowing themselves, initiating, or speaking up and asking for what they want. To make matters worse, sexual trauma statistics are staggering and can impede a person’s capacity for intimacy and pleasure.
The body you knew pre-cancer often feels completely foreign after surgery and treatment. For women, vaginal atrophy or dryness and thinning tissues lead to discomfort, pain during intimacy, and even a sense of disconnection from this deeply personal part of the body. These changes can make pleasure feel out of reach. Struggling with these issues can take a toll on self-esteem, making it harder to feel confident, sensual, or even at home in your own skin. But you shouldn’t suffer like this. It’s unacceptable my friend! Try the Farm to Bedroom™ collection of soothing lubes and suppositories from Upstate Mary which offer a gentle, plant-based approach to rekindling comfort and pleasure. Their full spectrum CBD-infused lubricants and balms are designed to reduce irritation, enhance sensation, and support relaxation, helping to ease vaginal dryness and promote comfort and connection. By incorporating these products into self-care or intimacy routines, you can nurture a loving relationship with your body, reduce discomfort, and create space for pleasure on your own terms—helping to rebuild confidence and reclaim a sense of self. (I know because I co-founded this company and these lubes are AH-MAZING!)
Practicing Pleasure
Practicing pleasure while navigating cancer treatment isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff—it’s about carving out space for what soothes, uplifts, and connects you to yourself. Meaningful pleasure can be as simple as savoring the warmth of a cup of tea, feeling the sun on your skin, or listening to music that stirs something deep inside. Creative expression, gentle movement, mindful breathing, and self-massage can serve as reminders that your body is still yours, still capable of feeling good, even in the midst of uncertainty. Pleasure is not frivolous—it’s a reclamation of self, a way to counterbalance fear and exhaustion with moments of presence, comfort, and even joy. Whether it’s through sensual touch, laughter, or simply resting without guilt, prioritizing pleasure is an act of self-compassion and resilience.
Intimate Connections & Relationships
Sensual & Sexual pleasure in relationships is about more than just physical touch—it’s about feeling seen, valued, and safe in your own skin. In the face of a cancer diagnosis, intimacy can take on new layers of complexity, from body image shifts to physical and emotional changes. But connection—whether through deep conversation, affectionate touch, or shared laughter—can be a profound source of healing. Pleasure in relationships can come from holding hands, cuddling, eye contact, or simply being present with a partner who accepts you as you are. Open communication about desires, boundaries, and fears can help rebuild confidence and create a space where intimacy feels nourishing rather than pressured. Pleasure isn’t about performance; it’s about presence, trust, and the joy of connection in whatever form feels right for you.
How to Begin
Exploring sexual pleasure, especially after a life-altering experience like cancer, begins with curiosity, self-compassion, and a willingness to reconnect with your body on your own terms. Start by creating a sense of safety and comfort—this might mean setting aside time alone to explore what feels good through self-touch, deep breathing, or even just noticing the sensations that bring you comfort, like the warmth of a blanket or the softness of your skin. Sensory exploration—such as using scented oils, soft fabrics, or different types of touch—can help awaken awareness without pressure.
Education can also be empowering. Reading about pleasure, sexuality, and body acceptance or working with a therapist specializing in intimacy can help navigate emotional and physical roadblocks. If you have a partner, open and honest conversations about your evolving needs, desires, and boundaries can foster deeper connection and reduce anxiety. Above all, give yourself permission to move at your own pace—pleasure is about feeling good in your body, however that looks for you in this moment.
If this is YOUR topic right now, send me a message and I will make sure to let you know when my next Pleasure & Play workshop opens up.
ABOUT UPSTATE MARY
At Upstate Mary, we celebrate the power of plants and the beauty of self-care. Our Farm to Bedroom™ collection is designed to support pleasure and connection at every stage of life, whether you’re navigating menopause, postpartum, or simply exploring your sensuality. Formulated with organic botanicals and full-spectrum CBD, our intimacy oils and suppositories nurture your body without disrupting its natural balance.
Rediscover your pleasure with Upstate Mary.